I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
