I just pynch a tree in the face
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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