Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
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