Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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