my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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