Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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