you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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