I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
