in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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