I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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