My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
