so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize