Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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