It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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