so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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