too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think i got beer on your cat.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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