I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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