when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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