K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
