Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
