Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
