my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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