Got a toothbrush?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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