he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
