So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
