I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
