we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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