I can text with my tongue
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
