God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
