homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
