i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
