I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
