Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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