I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
