Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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