Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
