If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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