how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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