um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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