you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
