I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
