You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
