Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
