The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
