my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
