haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
