I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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