i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
