Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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