it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
