Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
