i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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