remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize