I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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