I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
