I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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