i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
