remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
