My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
