i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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