Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
