I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
